Up The Middle

I sent the girl an email the monday before thanksgiving telling her how we missed her and how what shes done (or in some cases hasn't) made us feel- basically i laid it all out. And though this may be a "speak of the devil" post, we haven't heard anything back- not a phone call, not an email, not an IM, not a fuck you. So i guess it proves my points- i was right, she used us and then ditched us. Live and learn, i suppose though that makes it no less bitter. I do rest secure in the knowledge that she has the whole story and so can't deny what has transpired to herself. But what kind of bitch can't even reply back to an honest email from two ppl u called friends, two that always stood by u? I guess the kinda bitch you are.... 

I saw a girl that walked like you today, pigeon toes and all- it was cute. And whenever i see that walk yr automatically on my mind, the good things about u and happy times, not the bad things and down times. I will always miss u a little, jo. Remember the "spaghetti incident"....? :)

 Sometimes i think that its better to wonder how it could have been rather than to find out how it really is....

So i read on someones profile today that said "I hate to leave people behind... But it's necessary." I don't know why it bothered me but it did, possibly because of the recent situtation with the girl, or maybe its b/c i've always felt like the one being left more than i have the one leaving. I didn't know this person so i'm not implying anything about them personally, just msuing on the statement.

I understand that through life sometimes people grow apart and we just lose touch. But this statement in my mind was an attempt to justify flakeyness. In my opinion if you really don't want to leave someone u put in the effort not to- sure u can't physically be there all the time, but thats the greatness of phones and the internet. If you constantly tell a person yr "too busy" or always have an excuse everytime they want to get together then maybe u need to reassess where their importance is in your life. I think in general this is a lot of society's problem, that ppl think its ok to leave ppl without explanation. To be friends for the moment instead of friends. 

My true friends come above family in a lot of cases, and i won't nessecarily drop everything for someone but i will always work someone that i care about in. However, far too many times someone in my life has treated me as though i was the lowest priority or just stopped trying for whatever reason. I don't want to be smothered, but i do want to feel like i'm important in some respect, that yr actually interested in hanging out and not paying lip service. Personally i don't think there are that many circumstances where it is "nessecary"  to leave someone behind, particularly without explanation which has been my experience. 

If you really do care about someone, if u honestly value them as a friend, and they always seem to have time for u then don't treat them like they are a convenience or fairweather, make them feel like they have a place in yr life- take a little time for them. It might be ok for the ones who are leaving, but it hurts like hell to be left for no apparent reason at all.

You have a room here
but u never come to stay in it
The crimson bed stays made
because theres never a sihoutte to sleep in it

This room was just for you
but you chose not to be a part of this
And when i look at that empty bed
I sink deeper into my own abyss
Right here is where it all goes wrong
Cuz i care too damn much to carry on

Your shampoo sits unused in my shower
The lingerie i bought you lays in the dresser
Everyday, every long hour
I've found it kind of hard
To put it on a shadow

Guess i'll shut the door to this bedroom
with all your things
Guess i'll shut the door to this friendship
with all my dreams

This room is not yours,
its just a spare
This relationship is not ours
because you're too selfish to care

Friday, I was flipping through a tome of coupons from around the city that came in the mail. If you live in a large city you probably know the big envelope you get in the mail periodically that has coupons for goods and services from half the businesses in your area, its basically like a cryer in a package- Shop here! Spend money with us! Shop here!

Well i was going through them to pull out the resturant and fast food coupons b/c nothing beats eating for cheap and they are the only ones we'd ever use (though i believe you could construct a whole house and landscape an entire yard with all the contractors discounts). In the process i saw one for our local music store advertising grand pianos and i remembered how i told u that i would buy u one for yr birthday in some future year. I even knew the make at one time b/c u had told me, though it alludes me all these years later. I can still see you sitting in the sunroom in the morning and playing as if no one was there, a private concert just for me. Could have watched you for hours, not a word spoken between as your fingers created rich melodies that I wanted to wrap myself in. I loved that and i miss that sometimes. Still everytime i pass a music shop with pianos on display i can see us stopping to look, with you daydreaming and being coaxed into playing. Thats a good memory, just wish i really could have gotten the chance to buy you a grand piano, in green of course....

Late afternoon, driving down the Parkway
Watching the sun set behind a brick horizon
Breathing in the nighttime city smells rising 
Filling the air
And then I’m riding with you-
mirrored aviators and blonde hair
Driving way too fast
Destination: anywhere
Your song of the moment loud on the radio
Laughing at forgettable jokes, never meant to last
No real place to go
As the colorful traffic and people flash past
We never slowed down 
Cuz we might have realized something was wrong
Looking at me while singing a favorite song
Slow dances down the supermarket aisles
Losing lifetimes in every single smile
All the parties and countless drinks
Always attracted to where the glasses clink
Happy Heart slowly surrounds
As we melt into the revelry of downtown
Too young and beautiful to care
You were always looking for something better out there
A small town girl attracted to the big city lights
But did u ever find what we were looking for on those big city nights?

*Since this is the first work i've posted here, i'll preface by saying that the majority of what i write (including this piece) has nothing to do with Lace, so don't try to read her into anything. Some of my writings are old, about events or ppl in my past, some are new but cobbled from orphaned snippets that i jot down constantly as they come to me, and some will be brand new. All are about someone or something in my life, past or present, no abstract ideas or concepts here. Don't expect a time or time frame for any of my works b/c its not important. I don't typically provide a background to what i write nor who its about- true art is made to be interpreted, u can gather what u want to. I will say that if you are a John Mayer fan or even a casual listener of his music, you may recognize the last line here, which i did borrow, but in no way is this expressing the same sentiment or intended to be a "rewrite" of that particular song. Please read with your mind clear of that....


You appear

As summer heat turns to cold

Black hair brushing your shoulders

Aquamarine eyes so bold

Back into my unsuspecting arms

Your warm, soft body to hold

 

Its here

In this candlelit bed

We’ll kiss and we’ll tell

Learn each other over again

With endless stories to sell

 

On this road

We’ll float on daydreams

And plant plans to bloom

But I feel Christmas close

Knowing it’ll be gone too soon

 

You’re always

Beautiful and so much fun

We’ll revel and drink

Play like it’s for keeps

Still it’ll all fade away

Before winter sleeps

 

Good times we have but the season won’t last

Next year you’ll return as if no time has passed

 

With the truth behind green eyes at bay

You’ll look and “Forever” you’ll say

But I always know

It’s just till St. Patrick’s Day.